My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
