we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
