Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
