i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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