weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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