Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
