My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
