This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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