Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
