so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
