After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
