I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
