i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
