Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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