You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
