On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just tell him i said nine months
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
