He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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