And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
