Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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