I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
