in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
