Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
