I am in a vortex of obligation.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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