Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
