its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
