I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
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