The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
