I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
