He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
