Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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