can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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