i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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