Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
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You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
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I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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