Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
