She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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