So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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