he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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