i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i came on her dog
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
