she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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