we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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