I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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