Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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