hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
