You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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