i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
