Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
