things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
