no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
