Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
