She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You took a bar mat shot.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize
