Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
