ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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