This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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