I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
