Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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