i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
